Mustard, no ketchup, please...

The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile made it's yearly appearance in front of the Jewel Supermarket every summer when I was a kid. Me and all my buddies would hop on our Schwinn Stingray's and race uptown on the appointed day and time to wait for that beautiful, tricked out vehicle to arrive.

Watching it glide into the shopping center, it was truly a thing of beauty. It would come to a slow stop right in front of us. After several minutes that cool doorway would slide up, the stairs would fold down, and there would be our Oscar Meyer Wienermobile driver to greet us in there official Oscar Meyer uniform. We would get a tour of this incredible high tech road warrior, a quick sales pitch about our favorite hot dogs, then he handed out those neat little hot dog whistles. Shaped and colored like a little Oscar Meyer Wiener, boy they were loud! It was no wonder our mom's loved them so!

Last week as my lovely bride and I were finishing up dinner I was checking the news on my iPhone and there it was. What has to rank up there with one of the most horrific news stories of this year. I let out a loud gasp. A tear formed in the corners of my eye. I just couldn't fully comprehend it at first, but there was the picture. The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile had crashed into a residence in southern Wisconsin.

This news, along with the sudden death...at the age of 95...of the chairman of the board of Oscar Meyer processed meats, Mr. Oscar Mayer just the week before was devastating. Those wistful summer days of my youth rushed through my head. It seemed as though a part of me was now gone. I felt like I should be rummaging through my old boxes in storage to try and find one of those wonderful little whistles to sound in honor of the passing.

Oh, the humanity!

Funerals

I guess life comes at you in spurts. Just ask my suit.

My lone black suit has gotten a real workout the last few years. It's been having a grand old time with my oldest boy. Wedding after wedding. Can't count the number, let alone the different states it's visited. When he returns it I ask if IT had a good time and if my shoes did a lot of dancing. It always returns to me smelling a little like cigarettes and beer. Yes, it seems my suit has seen more traveling and has led a far more exciting social life than me as of late.

But this week it's been drawn to the other end of the life spectrum with me in tow. Two funerals in one week. It's been tough. Especially for a suit that hasn't seen much of this side of life. Inevitable as it is, it's hard to see someone's entire life's work wrapped up in a one half hour church service. The somber music. The quiet tears. The stark procession in, then back out. I always leave with more questions than answers.

And when I return home I quietly remove my now mournful suit. I return it to it's home in my closet in the same condition as when I removed it. No air of excitement. No smells of joy. But with the hope that it's next removal will find it joyously dancing the night away.

Politics and Cemeteries

Cemetery desecration. A United States Senator announcing he will not run for re-election. How, you ask, could these be related? Come on! It's Chicago!!

Burr Oak Cemetery in southwest suburban Alsip, Illinois is truly growing, by the hour, into a most horrific story. Up to three hundred caskets unearthed, the parts of which found scattered in an unused section of the cemetery so the greedy bastards running the place could resell the plots for profit. Even the casket of civil rights icon Emmett Till was found tossed aside, neglected and rusted in a back storage room.

The Senator. Granted, we are speaking of a Senate appointment of questionable integrity. Appointed to fill the seat vacated by President Obama by our favorite corrupt Governor Rod Blagojevich before he was ejected from the office. We could take the high ground here and believe Mr. Burris has grown a conscience and is acting in the interest of his constituency.

Come on! It's Chicago!! That would not only be a non-entertaining hypothesis, but truly implausible!

Votes! Most everyone knows of this most auspicious group of Chicagoans, led in life AND death by none other than Richard J. Daley, Sr. Yes, dear readers, those unearthed souls represent registered Chicago voters! And we all know, Mr Burris realized that without that most important block of Chicago voters, the dead, it would be mathematically impossible to remain in that tainted seat he currently occupies in Washington.

Now while we're on the subject, I'd like to introduce you to my favorite member of this voting block...

Meet Princess Nudelman of Chicago, Illinois! Why, you ask, was she sent a voter's registration packet? Especially since she is deceased, AND a goldfish, no less!! The late Princess' owner explains that she may have landed on the list when a close family member filled in her name when they got a second phone line for their home computer.

Hmmmm. Sounds a little fishy, doesn't it?!

My Lovely Bride Turns...29

I'm sorry. But you know me honey. I just couldn't resist! To me this picture of you that I took when you came home from celebrating your birthday last night with the "Fun Girls" shows how young at heart you are.

There are milestone birthdays. For me, the tough one was forty. My closest childhood friend had passed away suddenly earlier that year. I felt the sudden true burdens of adulthood. Luckily that has passed and the inner child returned. It took a while and I couldn't have found myself again without the help of my lovely bride.

So here's to you my sweetheart. The love of my life. My child bride. I'm looking forward to the next fifty!

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter-miler whose son now says, “Dad, I just can't run with you anymore unless I bring something to read.” -Bill Cosby

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. -Jack Benny,

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. -Lucille Ball

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. -George Burns

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. -Robert Orben

There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.
-Sophia Loren

Another Day at the Office

Just another summers day at the office. I've found I do my best writing out here on the back deck. Lately it's been dry and not unreasonably hot so the weather Gods have been cooperating. Right now I have a lovely cooling breeze coming out of the north. My trusty dog is wandering the deck aimlessly (one of his best talents...being aimless). Dave Matthews Band is playing out of the portable speakers.

I'm guessing most reading this will think, mmmm, sounds good to me! But the truth is retirement at this young of an age and questionable financial situation is a hit or miss deal. Some days are better than others. For instance, Mondays are still Mondays, especially after a holiday weekend. I become use to the companionship and the hustle and bustle of the days spent with my lovely bride. Now I know I have things on my ToDo list (yes, there's an app for that!) but getting my brain into that gear seems more difficult today.

Another contributing factor to my days are the dreams I've been having at night since I entered into this retired state. Some of them have gotten really weird. Last night I dreamed I stopped by my old office to say hello and somehow ended up sitting at my old desk and just started working on a production job out of habit. I was working away, and I was enjoying it! Then someone came over and started nagging that this thing had to go and I better get moving and get it back to the press room pronto. It was at that point I became aware that, hey, I don't work here any longer, picked myself up, walked out and immediately woke up.

So, I'm left here this morning with both that sense of loss again as well as the elation of the "take this job and shove it!" A true conflict. But, one with good music and a cooling northern breeze!

Happy Boithday Liddle Goil!

I don't know why that line from "All in the Family" sticks in my mind. Archie wishing Gloria a happy birthday in one of the hundreds of episodes of that groundbreaking TV show. One of his more tender moments, I guess.

Today is my little girls birthday. Alison was born one day before the fourth of July. Tried to hold out, but the Ex insisted on serving eviction papers on the third. She had had enough. But, to her mothers credit, had it been left to me, "Alison Lynn" would have grown up being "Alison Wonderland"!

She's twenty-six. Can't believe how the time has flown. She has blossomed into a beautiful, intelligent, sweet young woman. Hard to believe that the little foot stompin', bloody murder screamin' hellion could become what she is today!

Last night she took me out to dinner at the restaurant in Greensboro where her husband works as a belated Fathers Day gift. We ate truly delicious food. Shared a bottle of wine hand picked by my son-in-law. We talked. We laughed. We spent almost three hours savoring this experience.

Driving home it struck me that this was my first truly "adult" dining experiences with one of my children. One on one as two adults, not just parent child.

I liked it.

I liked it a lot.

So...happy birthday little girl! Daddy loves you!

1 in 467,000

Today CNN informed me that I'm special. It was even breaking news! Wow!! The pride I'm feeling now.

But I really already knew this. I saw the pride in the tears rolling down my lovely brides cheeks when I came home three weeks ago and told her that I was now a member of this auspicious group of Americans. I saw it in the blank expressions of my children as we informed them. Can we have some of those warm fuzzy moments like in the insurance companies TV commercials about tightening the old belt and sitting around the kitchen table playing board games? I felt it in the warm handshake of my now former boss as I was escorted to the door.

Now like any good recipient of such a prestigious award I would be remiss if I didn't give those big thank yous to those responsible for bringing me to this group.

I, of course, have to thank our former administration for leading the rape and pillage of the former middle class of our great nation. Couldn't have done this without you boys!

I'd like to send warm regards out to the banking industry for their participation in getting me to this pinnacle of my life.

Then there's those insurance companies with the warm fuzzy ads. I'm pretty sure I remember hearing how they assisted in this uplifting situation. Thank you...thank you very much...

My Lovely Bride

To: My Lovely Bride

Today is the fourth anniversary of the day we were married. I have to admit that I WAS a little worried that you had watched "Runaway Bride" so intently just days before the ceremony. Something about the notebook in your lap and the intermittent scribbling you were doing in it. The occasional loving glances my way with those magnificent hazel eyes, then turning back towards the screen. Then more scribbling.

But here we are. Four years down this tremendous journey together. The road isn't always smooth. Each day brings something new. But I wouldn't have it any other way. You are my friend, my partner, my lover and my soul mate. You do truly complete me.

So...

For putting up with me every day. For enduring the corny jokes. The trials of being in the printing business by marriage. For keeping me straight and headed down the road...

You have TRULY earned this!